Step right up and let Mr. Carpio educate and rid you of your computer woes!

Below are tried and true prescriptions for computer blues and frustrations actually posted on the Net. If you ever have computer problems -- who doesn't? -- then perhaps my solutions may just hold some answers.

1. Copying programs to diskette in Windows 95.
2. Turning off computers when not in use.
3. Home PC buying advice.
4. A highly philosophical question.
5. Duplicate messages.
6. New book.
7. Copying messages across mailboxes.
8. What's RAM?
9. Screen freeze.
10. Sprinkler-alarm system.
11. Which laptop?
12. Rumble Pak.
13. Busted keyboard.

Cure #1
Copying Programs to Diskette in Windows 95

Does anyone know how to copy a program from a hard disk onto a floppy using Windows 95? (backup doesn't seem to work on mine)

Easy! First open a DOS window. A DOS window is the void wherein Windows offers a view of your PC's internals. Once you have your DOS window open, poke your head inside. When you find the files you want to copy, slowly ease your arms inside the DOS window. With a pair of scissors in one hand and glue in the other all you now have to do is what is technically known as a "cut-and-paste" operation.

If this doesn't work, then the following solution may help solve your problem:

First, take the subwoofer of your home theater system off its case and set its huge magnet on top of your computer preferably near where you think your hard disk is located. Then, take your jar of pennies and drop the coins in the slots behind your monitor while making sure that the power is on. Finally, lay your keyboard on the floor and start touch-typing on it with your toes by resting your right heel on the numeric keypad and your left heel on the caps lock key. Doing all this will eliminate all your computer-related problems.

Cure #2
Turning Off Computers When Not In Use

Should computers be turned off when not in use?

It does not matter. The idea is to be able to get out of the office early without your colleagues or your boss knowing you're history.

Before you go, make sure your PC is powered on. Then leave some important looking documents open on the Windows desktop -- this will give the illusion that you're still around. While you're at it, make sure the Bouncing Kamoongas icon isn't highlighted in the Program Manager window.

Don't waste time turning off your computer. Just sneak out as quickly and as quietly as you can. If they notice your disappearance and question you the following day, tell them you were in the toilet. Although you carry your beeper with you at all times, tell them you don't usually take your cell phone with you while in the toilet. Then grumble something like, "Maybe next time I'll carry a pair of poop-scissors with me to the toilet in case I have to cut short my stay in there!"

Cure #3
Home PC Buying Advice

I need some advice on my upcoming purchase of a new home PC. Like all new buyers, I'm worried about the constant and rapid advances in the PC technology that what you may buy now might become obsolete quite fast. Budgetwise, mine is very restricted and would like to see this investment pay off.

If you want to get the most out of your money, get an 8086 clone or a computer with a NECV20 CPU. They're true 16-bit computers unlike the IBM PC with its 8088 CPU. The 8086 and the NECV20 CPUs have data bus and registers that are 16 bits wide. Although the 8088 CPU has 16-bit registers, its data bus is only 8 bits wide. It's like the 8088 CPU can munch data 16 bits at a time, but the "spoon" (data bus) it's using can only scoop 8 bits at a time.

And dig this: the 8086 clones come with a whopping 640K of RAM! Compare this with the Apple II's meager 64K of RAM -- that's 10 times more memory! And at 12 MHz, that's 12 times faster than the Apple's 6502!!!

Try to get one with dual 360K floppy drives. If you can afford a floppy drive with 1.2 MB, so much the better. I heard Windows 2.0 comes in 1.2 MB floppy disks. Two diskette drives will also be essential if you plan to run dBase III.

If you can wait, the IBM PC AT with its super-duper 80286 processor is just around the corner. Its protected and real modes of operation should make your investment last a lifetime.

Cure #4
A Highly Philosophical Question

Mr. Carpio, you've got a well- manicured piece up there. It is a classic.

Thanks!

I get a bit philosophical whenever I'm praised. Sure enough, a very highly philosophical question pops into my brain -- Does it make sense to recommend today's latest and greatest hardware to build an app that's purely DOS-based? That way, the app can harness all the machine's raw power to itself and not waste overhead meant for today's graphics-intensive, multitasking operating systems?

Allow me to ponder on this highly philosophical question as I take today's newspaper with me to the toilet...

Cure #5
Duplicate Messages

Why do I sometimes get duplicate/triplicate messages (same subject)?

Computers are sometimes like that. They don't necessarily mean to confuse their owners but the dawning of symmetric multiprocessing, timeslicing, multithreading, and IP addresses in the 4 billion range has overwhelmed even the mightiest of processors to give our home computers a certain degree of forgetfulness reminiscent of my grandmother's sporadic memory. With so many tasks up in the air, a home computer would at times seemingly sit idle while it tries to wrestle complex problems like "What's this week-old message doing in my outgoing tray?! That wasn't there the last time I checked!", or "Have I forwarded this guy this message? I'm sure he won't mind another copy.", or "Hmmm, is this message incoming or outgoing?"

This forgetfulness is usually harmless. However, if you consider that one powerful multitasking operating system once "forgot" that it has already adjusted its system clock one hour forward after Daylight Saving Time started and mistakenly adjusted it a second time, then things can get a bit hairy as you could end up waking up one hour late in a universe gone awry in the spacetime continuum and miss out on the free doughnuts and bagels at work on Monday mornings.

Ironically, the only alternative in ensuring the timely delivery of our messages is to rely less on computers and instead unlock the hidden powers of the mind that tap into the unseeable ether. I am furtively writing a book on how to do this. The book will be titled "From Nets To Nuts: How To Send E-Mail By Mental Telepathy".

Cure #6
New Book

When your book gets published save one "autographed" copy for me, will 'ya? BTW, is computer hacking possible via Mental Telepathy too?

First of all, thank you for your enthusiasm about my new book. Like you, I am so excited. I will be very, very busy signing books at major book retailers in mega, mega malls nationwide but I will certainly find time to send you a complimentary, autographed copy.

I suppose when armed with the information found in my forthcoming book, "From Nets To Nuts: How To Send E-Mail by Mental Telepathy", one can apply his or her own creativity and do whatever he or she wants -- including hack computer systems! At this time I am not allowed to disclose details but the book will be divided into three major parts:

Part 1.
The first part will provide exercises on thought projection with complete instructions on how to perform fantastic spasms and convulsions like lolling your head around your neck and making facial contortions until you realize this isn't the way to achieve a meditative state.

Part 2.
This part will tell you all you need to know about X.25, packet switching networks, TCP/IP, and ActiveX to allow you to successfully inject messages into the ether.

Part 3.
Part three, for advanced users, will teach you how you may send and receive messages from the beyond so you can establish a communication link with your dead relatives and friends.

Cure #7
Copying Messages Across Mailboxes

How can I copy e-mail messages from one e-mail address to my main address. I don't want it to be forwarded, I only want it copied to my mailbox. Does anyone know how?

To forward messages to a second mailbox, aim a DC40 digital camera at your ViewSonic 17GA monitor and take digital images of your e-mail messages then use OCR technology to rasterize the messages off the images into your second mailbox.

Or plug a Labtec microphone to your Spatializer-equipped SoundBlaster AWE 32 and read your messages aloud while a speech recognition program converts your spoken words from EBCDIC into plain, ASCII text.

Whoever proclaims the plethora of computer gadgets and gizmos in search of problems to solve is reaching incredible proportions is dead wrong. My computer is bedecked with sophisticated accouterments which to the casual observer may seem like a horror show but to the insatiable computer owner a bundle of joy with one hundred and one everyday uses. If you ever have computer problems and are beset by technobabble, call me for advice. That's why I'm here!

Cure #8
What's RAM?

I didn't know there were different types of RAM and Pentium chips. Could someone tell me what they and their uses are. Just curious so at least I'll have something to ask the computer guy the next time I buy another computer.

It sometimes amazes me to think that we live in a day and age where sitting on top of the world is the nerdiest nerd with the nerdier nerds around him squabbling and clawing their way up to try and topple him. Not exactly a sight of splendor to behold, mind you (especially if you consider their hairstyle -- or the lack of it). Yet for those good in math, perhaps the easiest thing to do is to become a programmer, a job envied by many because of its steady flow of dough. It comes as no wonder then that babes nowadays prefer to pick up PC technicians than be picked up by cool dudes in fast cars.

Although geek-speak will no doubt grab your PC technician's attention, a little suggestive language works equally well. You could begin with the classic "I'd like to handle your joystick" or start blabbering about Web servers then all of a sudden exclaim, "Is yours up, yet?! Oh, I can't wait for yours to go up!" You could also breathe into his ear, "You don't need a surge suppressor on my laptop" or say, "Your internal harddrive is showing, if you know what I mean" while slowly licking your lips around with your tongue.

You don't have to understand what you are saying -- rest assured that all of these work. After all, even though they may seem like social psychopaths devoid of human interaction, computer geeks like all men created equal are just as gullible.

Cure #9
Screen Freeze

My PC screen freezes quite often lately. Earlier I pulled some e-mail, read them, but did not exit the program. I got a screen saver so the screen blacked out. After a couple of hours, I tried to restore the screen -- hit some keys, clicked the mouse. It didn't work. So I turned off my PC. And the mail that I pulled last were all lost. What causes my screen to freeze? Is there any other way to restore it aside from rebooting? How much damage will this do to my PC, hard drive, or memory?

Frustrations in PC ownership are so commonplace that I have to fight the urge to yawn when disaster strikes. Fortunately, solving your problem is a piece of cake.

Apparently, the cause of your problem is heat. With three million transistors whizbangpopping between two layers of silicon wafers spaced only microns apart (you don't actually hear them but if you hold your ear real close to the processor, you will), the processor dissipates so much heat that even the heat sink, CPU fan, and ozone-safe, chlorofluorocarbon-powered cooling system combined are inadequate for holding down the CPU's blazing temperature. There are, however, a few things you can do to cool down the torrid climate inside your box.

If you have enough expansion slots, rearrange your expansion boards so that they are spaced one slot apart. This should provide better ventilation. If you don't have enough expansion slots, use lineman's pliers to carefully bend the expansion boards away from the power supply which can be a notorious source of heat.

Big files weigh down the hard disk's platters thus requiring the harddrive to work harder which then generates more heat. Get rid of files with odd-sounding names like WIN32.SYS, KRNL386.EXE, REGISTRY.DAT, and all those little .DLLs -- they contain so much bloated code anyway.

These are just some of the ways of keeping your PC cool and functioning. If after doing all this your PC still grinds to a halt, let me know and I'll tell you how you can install an under-the-hood sprinkler alarm system. That should take care of all your computer woes for good.

Cure #10
Sprinkler-Alarm System

This sprinkler alarm system, can I install it in my boss' computer? I would like to do it before he does my yearly evaluation or before I go on vacation.

I think I know what you're up to and I'm all for it! However, installing the sprinkler-alarm system is time-consuming and labor-intensive -- you'd need to know how to weld metal together and wear a flame retardant suit similar to those worn by the dead aliens found in Roswell to test your installation. I have a much simpler solution that could yield even better results.

First, sneak into your boss' office when he's not around and turn on his computer. Then, run his e-mail program and select "configuration options". Finally, add a signature file that reads something like, "BTW, I always knew you were a peckerhead!"

Cure #11
Which Laptop?

I am planning to buy a laptop and all of you know that this is a big investment. I've heard that Toshiba is good. Also, I've heard from friends that a Mac Powerbook (is it right?) or any Mac laptop is better than an IBM-compatible?

Whoa! I myself am craving for a laptop as I am on the road a lot and would like to project my image as an also busybody -- a laptop on your lap while sitting in a commuter train is guaranteed to attract customers and employers, take my word for it! Unfortunately, mine will have to be a used, 386, monochrome model that only works occasionally, that is, if I can dig deeper into my already bottomed-out pocket. But then, customers and employers are a computer-illiterate bunch so what does it matter that I've got a flaky dinosaur sitting on my lap?

So here's what I recommend. I recommend that you go buy the latest 666Mhz Pentium demon in the hopes that you'd just as soon realize your mistake and spring for a Powerbook. When you're about ready to discard your Pentium laptop, toss it my way. I'd gladly trade you my Rumble Pak Accessory Kit. What it is is you attach the Rumble Pak to the bottom of your laptop so that when you prop your laptop on your lap, the Rumble Pak is wedged high up between your thighs. What it does is each time you get a Windows General Protection Fault (GPF), it vibrates. With Windows running on the Powerbook and continually generating GPFs, you can achieve blissful ecstasy without anybody ever knowing.

Cure #12
Rumble Pak

I enjoyed your description of the Rumble Pak. Where can I get one?

You have to pay exorbitant fees to become a member of this exclusive club I'm in and then you can avail of the Naughty Computer Contraptions which include the Rumble Pak, all at exorbitant prices.

I must caution laptop owners, though, in using their laptops too much. Think of all the gamma radiation emanating from the gas plasma display, the electromagnetic waves dissipating from the disks' spinning platters, and the laptop's proximity to your reproductive organs. These have been found to be a leading cause of sterility among laptop owners. Do what I do. Play it safe. Wear lead underwear.

Cure #13
Busted Keyboard

The keyboard I'm using has "rrrr" defects and repeats itself. I'm trying my best but it's still doing it. Grrrrrr....

You don't need a new keyboard, you need a new CPU. Apparently, your CPU is too slow that it lags behind your typing and to compensate, its BIOS makes the assumption -- sometimes incorrectly -- that some keys are struck more than once. A clock-tripled 486DX overdrive with built-in math coprocessor blazing at 100MHz will increase your system's throughput by up to 400% and should solve your problem. Fortunately, CPUs have drastically come down in price and with today's zero insertion force (ZIF) sockets, installing them is a breeze. All you need is a claw hammer. You claw out the old CPU from the motherboard and use the same claw hammer to pound the new CPU in place. That's all there is to breathing new life into an aging machine.